Friday, January 23, 2009
Must Love Porky's
Not long ago I answered an advertisement on Craigslist for a man seeking a woman. The ad was entitled "Must Love Porky's". Immediately I thought the man placing the add was referring to that movie, which is one of my all-time favorites. Finally, I thought to myself a man with a sense of humor. I started up a correspondence with this individual named Wilber. Over the next few days, I learned Wilber enjoyed reading Camus, fine Zinfandels, and moonlit walks on the beach. Hmmm... he didn’t mention anything about comedy. And what the hell is a Camus? Anyhoo, I began to wonder if I had construed this Porky’s reference all wrong and in fact, Wilber was a heifer. Maybe he’s one of those guys who weighs 600-pounds, can’t get out of bed and has to wash himself with a rag tied to a stick? I began to worry and finally felt relieved when I requested a photograph and saw that he wasn’t a blob. We forged ahead, and planned our first date. Wilber looked mildly handsome when we met at a local cafe. He too acted like a perfect gentlemen ordering me a glass of wine and standing up from his seat when I trotted off to the little girl's room. It was a fine first date albeit void of any jokes. Wilber told me he was a Certified Public Accountant and had recently divorced when he and his wife didn’t see eye-to-eye on what he expected in the bedroom. This immediately piqued my interest. Was this bespectacled CPA with a tattered suit an animal in the bedroom? A bit pervy? My imagination began to simmer. The following week, we arranged a second date. Wilber had purchased two tickets to a Dog Show at the LA Coliseum. Now in all honesty, I'm a cat person myself. I have two; Mr. Shackapopolis, a Calico with a skin disease and Vladimir, a Persian stray I found in my backyard. Wilber really seemed to enjoy the dog show and he even got a bit forward by asking me if I'd like to go back to his house afterwards. What the heck, I thought to myself and agreed. He popped in a CD of some smooth jazz, which really isn't my style but I'm not one to make a fuss about things. Well, before you know it, we were on the couch making-out. It got pretty ‘hot-and-heavy', as they say, and soon my panties were soon off and bunched up in a ball on the coffee table. Wilber was indeed an animal. He nuzzled my neck and lovingly pet my beaver. I grabbed the side of his face, turning his mouth towards me so I could plant a kiss on his lips when I saw something quite odd. Between his lips there was a thin, silver tube no larger than the filter of a cigarette. It was a dog whistle. Before I could say anything two little dogs started yelping from the other room and nearly knocked the door off it’s hinges as they burst in. “Here... poochie - poochie,” said Wilber. “Come and get it." Wilber? What’s going on? I asked. He didn’t answer and instead, reached over and grabbed my panties and twirled them under the snouts of the dogs. He flipped me over on and taunted the mangy mutts to mount me! Good God! I rolled back over and slapped him right across the face,. He swallowed the dog whistle and began to choke. In a panic I performed the Heimlich maneuver, which in turn must have given the dogs the wrong idea because they started to hump my leg. After Wilber spit out the whistle, I proceeded to gather my belongings. “But I thought you liked Porgies?” whimpered Wilber. Porgies? I said. “Yes, my dogs are Porgies.” I thought the ad said Porky’s. “No that was a misprint.” He answered. Well, needless to say, I didn’t see Wilber ever again and when I did respond to another ad on Craigslist entitled ‘Must Love Bagels’, I sure as hell made sure the bozo wasn’t talking about beagles.